Thank you for submitting an application to adopt Charlie! Heās one of our favorite, furry little friends and he really deserves his FURever home. We LOVE Charlie!
Below is the adoption process that you and your family will need to go through to ensure that you are the PURRfect companions for Charlie. All of us here at Douglas County Animal Rescue are excited to begin this journey with you!
Our criteria for selecting an Adopter depends on the Dog.Ā Some dogs are high energy and some dogs just want to cuddle. Some pups need a lot of attention and some pups just want a little snuggle-sesh every once in a while! No dog is right for every person and no person is right for every dog. For instance, CharlieĀ is wary of men. Specifically,Ā uncircumcisedĀ men.
IF YOU LIVE IN AN APARTMENT
You will not be considered. You can submit the application, pay the adoption fee, and consent to a three-day, 27-point home check, but you will not actually be considered. We will promise you the dog, but you will not get the dog.
Additionally, we only adopt our dogs into homes with no kids, no elderly, and no reptiles (snakes okay). We consider gerbils on a case-by-case basis, but no hamsters, for obvious reasons.
Given our limited resources as a 501(c)(3) all-volunteer non-profit, once you pay the $300 non-refundable pre-application application hold, you probably wonāt hear from us for 5-8 years. In that time, the dog you want will likely be dead. If you do, somehow, complete our adoption process in its entirety, it will be another dog waiting for you, most likely uglier, most likely distempered.
Step one in our application (pending adoption coordinator approval and a verbal assurance that you will refrain from any future consumption of shellfish, lobsters, shrimp, or clams) is our lengthy,Ā invariably-tense, in-person interview process.Ā Itās just you, our adoption committee, and 200 other potential adopters stuffed inside the SanTan Elementary School gymnasium, having a frank conversation about what (and who) is best for Charlie.
Some of the topics we will cover include:
The fear impact periods
Growling is good
Paying your dog
Canine peripheral neuropathy
Please wear a clean white shirt (pressed) and black or navy blue slacks.
If you are selected for the next round, you will need to submit a 10-12 page, single-spaced essay about why you deserve to be part of the eight-person final round and what you will doĀ if Charlie requires a surgical procedure to treat a grade 4 luxating patella in his right hindlimb.
The final round is broken in four distinct phases.Ā Phase one is the background check. The background check is similar to a background check you would go through if you were, say, trying to obtain Special Sworn Status through the United States Census Bureau. Phase two includes a mental cognition assessment and a two-part drug test. Phase three requires a blood sample. You will need to deposit at least 200 mL of your blood into a clean, quart-sized, freezer-safe Ziploc baggie. You will need to write your first and last name on the plastic baggie, excluding vowels, in black or blue sharpie.Ā
There is a steel door at 6 East 49th Street with a white piece of paper taped to the handle, with the name āVINCEā and an arrow pointing to the right. Go left. Walk down the alley until you reach another steel door. Place yourĀ Ziploc baggie beside the doormat and walk inside. The instructions for phase four will be provided AFTER we have taken possession of your blood.
Thank you for considering adding a rescue pup to your home. Rememberāyou canāt buy love, but you can rescue it!
Missed my last This is bullshit and so can you post? Read it here.
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I know this is supposed to be satire, but goddamn is it not far from the truth. What is it about running a rescue that suddenly makes people think *very few people* can care for most dogs? I know they mean well, but they shoot themselves in the foot constantly by overlooking perfectly fine families in their search for the absolute apex family. If people want a dog they'll get a dog. Rescues who do this only fuck themselves.
Dog gone it that was funny.