This is a guest post

It’s nice to meet you, I am your OCD.

Before I torch your minds with some words, a quick housekeeping item: yesterday, one of you said some really nice things in the anonymous survey I’ve included in some of my previous emails. While I’ve gotten some nice responses in the past, I’ve been in a bit of a mental tornado recently—and this was a solid pick-me-up. A real “Fight Song by Rachel Platten” type moment for my week. So thank you. Now let me retreat back to my enviable position as your Newsletter God and bless you fucking nerds with some thick, bulging prose. 📚🍆💦

This is a guest post.

Also—this post was from my series about obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have moved all my OCD and mental health content to a separate newsletter called Psychology Onions.

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Hello 😊

It is very nice to meet you. I am OCD. I am yours.

Tell me what you want. I am here to serve you.

I am OCD. I am artist.

Your mind is my canvas.

I am yours, darling.

Let me inside you.

Do you like these thoughts? Swallow, you little slut.

Don’t fight it.

Shut up. Yes, I do.

I define you. I define every moment of your life. How you think. How you act. Where you go. You are 28 and afraid of your own shadow.

Smack your head with the heel of your hand again. Curse me under your breath. I don’t care. I can wait. I’m not going anywhere.

You are nothing without me. You are not funny. You are not interesting.

Shut up. You don’t hate me.

Your wife hates me more than you hate me. You want me.

But what else do you want? I am here to serve you. I am here to please you.

You write a dumb newsletter, you explain things. You say naughty words to be funny. You ask, “How the f**k is inflation measured?”

You write a dumb newsletter, you make jokes. You ask, “Do you like my jokes?”

You write a dumb newsletter, you say, “I have obsessive-compulsive disorder.” A mental illness is very in vogue these days. You are welcome.

You are a pathetic little boy. You are skinny, with arms like spindles. Boohoo. I make you more interesting.

Now rub that hand sanitizer all over your lips, your face. Now again. Yes, just like that. I like that.

But what do you want? I am here to please you.

I am here to serve you.

I will ruin you.

I am yours.

It has been very nice to meet you. 

Sorry about this one, mom. The one-click unsubscribe is below. Or, stay tuned for next week’s post by my alter ego, NBAnon. Why should politics get all the cool QAnon conspiracy theories?

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Again, this post was from my series about obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have moved all my OCD and mental health content to a separate newsletter called Psychology Onions.