An open letter to Big Tech

How will your metaverse heal my tender a**hole?

Dear Big Tech,

How am I expected to navigate an increasingly digital world when I can’t even take a sh*t without my asshole bleeding?

I need you to look me in the eye and give me verbal confirmation that you actually believe that the same guy who’s lying on his side, peeling up his left butt cheek and shamefully booping a suppository up his rectum is mentally and emotionally capable of frolicking between the physical world and a multi-dimensional, completely-immersive, virtual network of social interaction.

I’m telling you right now—this is a bad idea. Straight up. This will be an absolute, genuine shitshow.

If you think I can actually traverse a world of micro-transactions, VR, and digital real estate, then I don’t think you fully grasp just how much blood comes out of my asshole every time I take a sh*t. That’s all I’m gonna say. That’s it. And one more thing: nothing works—wipes, suppositories, sitz baths, a diet with increased fiber, Sigur Ros’s Untitled Album ( ).

My blood is on your hands, Zuckerberg.

Actually, you know what—I have a few more things I’d like to say.

Why do you hate trees so much, Mark? What happened to you in this world that makes you want all of us to pay to suffer in your new one?

WHAT ABOUT MY ASSHOLE MR. ZUCKERBERG?

And Elon: do we really need cars capable of going from 0 to 60 in 2.3 seconds? Also—why did you have to make the steering wheel a rectangle? What’s next? A seatbelt with a strap and a ball that wraps around your face and is held in place by your teeth?

Introducing Tesla’s revolutionary, 360-degree, orbital facebelt technology. According to The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, this new cranial harness reduces crash fatalities by 20 to 55 percent for front seat passengers—compared to the standard 3-point seatbelt.

Web 3, Web 4, Web 5, yada yada yada. Whatever, dude.

Your tech needs to stop lecturing me. TikTok tries to tell me when it’s time to take a break, my cousin’s RAV-4 says I can’t drive and connect my phone to Bluetooth at the same time. What’s next—burping me when I feel bloated? Fucking doubt it. That’d be cool, though.

I can’t even open a banana without smashing the top 15% of the fruit. I still cry listening to Perfume Genius’s 2012 album, Put Your Back N 2 It. I think there’s like… A LOT of microplastics in our drinking water.

But yeah. Let’s try this whole metaverse thing.

Sincerely,
The I have anal fissures and so can you guy

Missed my last This is bullshit and so can you post? Read it here.

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